I’m going to get a little personal, but that’s kind of the point of a blog.
When I was less than a year old, my biological sperm donor (others might refer to him as a “dad”) abandoned me. He never looked back. For reasons I don’t understand, I was less than number 1 or 2 or even 65 in my new “father’s” eyes. My mother loved me, as long as I had her back and agreed with everything she said. My father’s friends, who were all like fathers to me, abandoned me, one by one, without a word. In school, I was teased, bullied, ignored, and kept out of the loop. I never fit in. The friends that I did make, treated me like someone you just kind of consult for a problem, blatantly ignore, than expect to pick up the pieces afterwards (when the advice was not followed). I very recently had my “best friend” accidentally text me a message that was meant for another friend, which stated; “yeah, this is what she texted, and she doesn’t even know the whole story because I never told her.”
There’s nothing like finding out that one of the last 2 people that you had hope in, that you believed in, that you loved, doesn’t love you as much back. They put up a good face and tell you “well, you have your own stress, so I didn’t want to overwhelm you.” But that is just as horrible a degree of discrimination as other ways (for us parents that have a child with an overabundance of awesomeness). Here I am, kept out again. Rather it’s because of my own personality people can’t stand, or some other factor (such as my love for psychology and ability to read people). I don’t know. What makes a person so unlovable that even their father doesn’t want them? That people talk behind their backs and lead them on? It is happening everywhere, to everyone, I’m sure. I’m not alone in this. And my poor baby, who has a diagnosis that will follow him forever, will be treated the same.
But that isn’t what this particular post is about.
All of that was a prerequisite, so that the reader could understand the words hereafter.
Thank you. Thank you to my husband. Thank you for always treating me like your number one. In my world of would be parents, would be friends, would be relatives and all else, you are the only one that has shown time and time again, that there is NOTHING about me that you don’t love. You have treated me in such a way, that I can only hope to my very core, that our children will find in someone else (partner wise). If our son, who will be singled out for his diagnosis, can find someone to love him, like you love me, I will have no regrets. The same goes for our daughter.
When I look in the mirror, and find a flaw; you showcase it and remind me how wonderful it is. Making me forget that I had ever seen it as anything other than wonderful. When I cry, you don’t try and reassure me. You create a giant barrier of comfort and ensnare me with it. You hold the pain and let it work its way through, and remold the pieces afterwards. You don’t try and control my anger, but try and remove the reason for it while I let it out safely elsewhere. When I’m sick, there is no better care taker than you. You know my physical limits, let me push them, but keep me from causing permanent damage. When I find a new hobby, you ask questions and try and understand it. Instead of rolling your eyes or ignoring me; you try and help me and even ask me to teach you, so that we may share it. You shamelessly tell me your dreams and respect every ounce of criticism or enthusiasm I throw your way. You ask for my opinions and truly want to know the answers.
You accept me for me, even when I’m not sure who that “me” is. Having a child that demands a lot of extra effort and time, has caused me to lose sight of many of the things that would create a peaceful inner self. But you love me never the less. You accept every change I have thrown at you. Even when you announced you wanted to be a chef and I announced I wanted to be vegan. You quickly changed all of your recipes and even started baking vegan yummies. You have NEVER shown a speck of repulsion, disdain, boredom, or regret with me. You have always said that my happiness comes first, and have showed me so very many times.
At the lowest of my lows, you don’t give up on me. At my highest of my highs, you lift me even more than I thought possible. I don’t know what you have seen in me, all this time, that has kept you so in love with me. But I imagine it is similar to what I see in you. There truly would not be a ME if there had not been a YOU. You are my first and foremost. Your love for me is what keeps me going during the hard days. Knowing that soon, the one who truly sees me, will be by my side again, keeps me from going insane.
There is so much we have accomplished in these last 10 years of marriage. There is so much that we have gone through; more than most people know and more than some people will ever even have a hint of. Will we push each other mentally? Yes, because we are so connected and experiencing the same pain. But we will always rise above it. When the Earth chooses to move its plates, there is nothing that can stop it. So too, is our love. Whatever comes and whatever goes; know this one thing: I love you, for you. Not the you others see. Not the you the kids see. Not the you that you see in yourself. But you. The you only I know, only I see. And that is enough for me. You are my number 1 and all other numbers (save 2+3 for the kids).
Thank you. Thank you for letting me be your number 1.